Illustrations by Brett AffruntiCar and Driver
This column was written before even more auto shows were canceled and the world came (mostly) to a halt. Because we're hopeful, we presume the final auto show hasn't yet happened.—Ed.
From the May 2020 issue of Car and Driver
With traditional auto shows on the wane—Frankfurt canceled, Paris and Tokyo shrinking, manufacturers shifting attention to CES and SEMA—it's only a matter of time until the convention-center car show is extinct. But there will be one last show. And it'll be a biggie, bringing all the pomp and flamboyance we used to take for granted. Here's a sneak peek of how it's gonna go down.
With its hallmark bravado, Dodge reveals that every new model will be powered by a Hellcat V-8, including the Grand HellCaravan Widebody. On a stage set as a public library, a HellJourney explodes through the wall as Mötley Crüe descends from the ceiling into the bed of the Rammunition monster truck. A deep voiceover says, “Time to quit readin' and start writin'!” while a jumbo screen displays an overhead shot of three Demons scrawling the anarchy symbol in burnt rubber. Then Dodge says that Rammunition is going into production, too, powered by two Hellcats and available in one color, a lime green called What Are You Gonna Do About It? Plus, every new Durango now comes with karate lessons.
In front of the Chevrolet stage, journalists gather, expecting maybe the Corvette Z06 or the return of a hallowed nameplate. Rumor has it that Chevy is bringing back the Chevelle, this time as a compact crossover. Then a man with a beard walks out and asks, “What if I told you your entire concept of reality is nothing more than a computer simulation run by J.D. Power and Associates?” The audience is dumbstruck. One guy raises his hand and asks, “So will the Chevelle slot in between the Trax and the Equinox?”
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BMW, inspired by the classic German story of Hansel and Gretel, features a gingerbread house set in an ominous, dark forest. A sign outside is emblazoned with an arrow and the words “Exciting new BMW sports car this way!” But inside, there's just a Supra and a witch who chases you shrieking: “We build this! It's a Z4! Why do you like it more than a Z4?”
The big news from Mercedes-AMG is the G-Cubed G85, the newest outrageous G-wagen. Based on the Zetros 6x6 heavy-duty truck platform, it has a winch, a central tire-inflation system, and a 1200-hp V-16. “What's the wheelbase?” someone asks AMG chief Tobias Moers, who replies, “Which one?”
Honda announces that it's focusing its energies on a narrowed product lineup. Going forward, it will make only cars, trucks, crossovers, vans, lawn mowers, dirt bikes, ATVs, generators, jet planes, snowblowers, outboard motors, side-by-sides, motorcycles, garden tillers, string trimmers, small engines, brush cutters, scooters, and robots. “No more submersible pumps,” Honda says. “It's time to focus.”
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In an event dubbed the TruckTacular Truck-ebration, emceed by Denis Leary and the Naked Cowboy, Ford announces it's going even bigger on trucks. Get ready for the EcoSport Raptor, the Edge Tremor, and the Explorer Super Duty! Even the Ford GT gets a refresh that includes 35-inch off-road tires and a military-grade aluminum bed with the most tie-down points in its class. Joey Logano says that he's really excited to drive next year's F-350 NASCAR racer, which will offer a commanding view over the rest of the field as well as unbeatable 500-mile comfort from its King Ranch interior. And the new Mustang Power Stroke promises to outtow and outhaul any Camaro, especially when equipped with the fifth-wheel hitch on the roof.
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Tesla is there ironically. Like, “Hey, here's our full model lineup arranged on a nice platform and you can walk around and look at the cars and sit inside and maybe ask someone questions and stuff. Whatever.” To really troll the normies, Elon Musk holds a press conference to reveal a refreshed, longer-range Model X that's ready to go into production. He doesn't even shoot it with a flamethrower or claim it can turn invisible twice a week. Online, this is seen as scathing, righteous commentary on traditional automakers. Tesla's stock price triples.
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May 09, 2020 at 07:00PM
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The Last Stands: Scenes From The Final Auto Show Ever - Car and Driver
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