“The Washington Sadness Machine.”
I don’t want to brag, but it’s the perfect replacement. This column has been deploying it for years as a stand-in name for Washington’s NFL club, and it remains delightfully apt.
Time to make it official. Let’s do this.
The Washington Sadness Machine.
Come on. It works. You smiled. The dog smiled. The dog hasn’t smiled in days! (You try being a dog around the Fourth of July. All that Ka-BOOM? It’s a nightmare.)
Don’t you want a Washington Sadness Machine T-shirt, maybe with the sleeves removed to show off your bulging quarantine muscles? What about one of those chip & dip helmets—fill it up with pretzels, Cheetos or dried crickets, and put it right there proudly in the TV room?
Hey, pass me the Washington Sadness Machine helmet bowl, wouldja? Mmmm, crickets.
The full name is “Dan Snyder’s Washington Sadness Machine,” a homage to this woebegone football club’s owner, who has presided over two playoff wins since purchasing it 21 years ago—a dismal stretch for a formerly title-hoarding franchise.
But “Dan Snyder’s Washington Sadness Machine” is a mouthful. I imagine most folks will shorten it to “the Sadness Machine.”
Hey, the Sadness Machine has a big game coming up against Dallas!
Can you believe the Sadness Machine has been eliminated from the playoffs? It’s August!
I’ll give you two Sadness Machine tickets for that tuna sandwich. OK, four tickets for half of a tuna sandwich.
You know the reason for the change. The old name for the Washington football team is presumed to be on its way out, because it’s terrible. It’s been terrible forever, but this forlorn franchise has held on to it, hiding behind tradition and stubbornness in declining to do the right thing.
Now the right thing is coming for them, whether they like it or not.
The ground is shifting, fast—that old name looks awfully backward at a time when racism, privilege and power are getting bluntly examined in American life. In the past, the name was defended as a harmless relic, with polls testifying to its alleged inoffensiveness, but really, all the rationalizing was ridiculous.
It’s got to go. The NFL knows this. My old friends who grew up with Sundays at RFK; who learned the “Hail” fight song before “Happy Birthday”; who pray to the Cathedral of Riggo; who are grieving the recent death of “Hogs” mastermind Joe Bugel; who still send each other clips of Darrell Green chase-down tackles—they, too, know it’s got to go.
FedEx was likely the hammer. When FedEx—the team’s lucrative stadium sponsor—agreed the name needed to change, that was that. Pepsi said they’re on board. Bank of America, too. Now the Washington Post is reporting that Snyder’s minority partners, who own 40% of the club, are looking to sell.
The money’s talking, and if you follow the NFL, you know that more than anything else, the NFL is about the money.
The team says it is giving the current name a “thorough review,” but what on earth is there to review? The NFL is standing at the club’s bedside, holding its hand. The Journal’s ace football writer Andrew Beaton, citing two sources close to the situation, reports that the change will likely be made before the 2020 season.
Sure, there will be agitation. There always is. There will be the usual huffing about political correctness and “virtue signaling” and the end of the world as we know it, but this isn’t politics, or “virtue signaling,” or the end of the world as we know it. This isn’t a “both-sides” debate; this isn’t some cynical argument about the freedom of expression.
Fans sit in the stands at FedEx Field during a game between the Detroit Lions and Washington Redskins on Nov. 24, 2019.
Photo: Patrick McDermott/Getty ImagesThis is acknowledging the obvious. It’s got to go. It should have been gone a long time ago.
Besides, a new name will be smart business. It won’t matter if the team decides to rebrand as the “Washington Red Tails” (a tribute to the iconic Tuskegee airmen) or the “Washington Warriors” or the “Washington Filibusters” or the “Washington Congresspeople Being Evasive on Sunday Morning Talk Shows You Always Pay Half Attention To While You Are Eating Pancakes and Looking at Your Phone.” Any change will mean a fresh logo and a lot of new gear (umbrellas! pajamas!) for fans to buy.
By all means, keep the burgundy and gold.
If a consensus can’t be reached, feel free to borrow The Washington Sadness Machine (itself a mild nod to the late D.C. sportscaster George Michael and his fabulous Sports Machine highlight show.) We’ve got a handsome helmet design for you right here. Maybe Sadness Machine can be a placeholder for a season, until they figure out a permanent name.
If you think calling the team the “Sadness Machine” is a little too harsh, ask yourself this: Have you talked to a Washington, D.C. football fan at any point over the last two decades?
It’s been a tough run, especially if they remember the glory days. On Sundays, they usually just stare into the distance and moan.
Why not capitalize on that ineptitude? Who wouldn’t want a Washington Sadness Machine winter hat with a pom-pom on top? A Sadness Machine beach towel? A Sadness Machine cupholder? A bumper sticker that reads: THIS CAR PULLS OVER EVERY SEVEN MILES TO SOB UNCONTROLLABLY ABOUT THE STATE OF THE WASHINGTON SADNESS MACHINE.
Here’s the bottom line: Teams change names. Sometimes for trivial reasons, sometimes for big reasons. And usually what happens is that a bunch of people get upset, say they are never going to watch their favorite club again, maybe even cancel their tickets or throw a jersey over a grill, and then, about two years later, everyone but a few holdouts with grilled jerseys have completely forgotten about it, and the rest of the planet has moved on.
And that’s what will happen here.
Embrace the Sadness Machine! The time has come.
Share Your Thoughts
What new name do you propose for Washington’s NFL team? Join the discussion.
Write to Jason Gay at Jason.Gay@wsj.com
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